Hack: Legend of Shugo's Idiocy
by Blitzwolf28
Summary: Shugo decides to play one last game with his sister... too bad he becomes the chosen one and has to save 'The World'. No not our world... just a game. Can our clueless, wanna be hero team up with actual hero material and save, 'The World' No not our world... you get the idea. Rated M just to be safe.


**Hello and welcome to my parody of .hack. This fic is just pretty much just things I was thinking about when I was playing the game, and thats about it. Also has some things from the manga in it as well. I usually give games humorous narratives if the game is boring, or I have played it multiple times. In this case the game was terribly boring. No offense to any fans. I do not own .hack, if I did, I wouldn't base a game of a kid playing a game. Thats just silly.**

**Chapter 1- **Let the games begin... puns intended!

The day was just stunningly beautiful. Birds chased their mates, and throughout the city of Tokyo, laughter of children playing could be heard. The sun was at its peak, giving every object a shiny appearance. The trees were a bright emerald in the park that Shugo was lounging at. He sat on the swing, kicking the safety sand and stared at his phone. He flipped it open and it simply read, Saturday the third. The screams from the little kids were starting to bother him, but he tolerated it. He usually doesn't leave the park until their moms gave him dirty looks, but that hasn't happened quite yet.

_Hi, my name is Shugo, _he began to think, he wasn't sure why, _I'm fourteen and live in Tokyo Japan. I'm only about four feet ten, and black hair that goes to my ears. I'm simply waiting for my sister to call because she says that she has this cool new game to try. Hopefully it's not Dragon Nest, I hate to aim, _(Inside jokes are funny) _and I pray its not Adventure Quest for OBVIOUS reasons. I sort of gave up on games when I was younger. Why you may ask? One word... Bubzy 3d. Rena... my sister, is in to these mmo things. I only want to play with her because I get to spend time with her. You see, our parents got a divorce when we were pretty young, and mom took Rena, while my dad kept me. I rarely get to see her in person anymore, and if this game is a way to be with her... then I'll do it. _Shugo looked around and sighed... _note to self... I need a girlfriend. _

Shugo brushed some sand off of his baggy blue cargo pants, and leaped off the swing. It was time to leave, the moms were giving him those looks. He casually strolled out of the park, then down the sidewalk leading to his apartment. He glanced at his phone constantly, praying for that call. He did eventually hear his name being called from behind him.

"Hey Shugo-Chan!" Erupted a nerdy voice from behind him. _Damn, _Shugo thought, _it's Komiyama._

_"_Hey, did your sister call you yet?" He asked, bounding up to Shugo. Komiyama was that nerd in math class. Yhea, we all know who he is. Also since he is such a pointless secondary character, he will be getting no description.

"Komiyama-kun," Shugo said, taking a few steps back, "You know that restraining order we placed on you, right? Well, it's still in effect so please leave before I call the cops."

Komiyama stepped back and began to open his mouth, but thought better and kept it closed. Shugo sighed and continued on his merry way. Komiyama was placed under a restraining order after stalking Rena the past year. It was something like thirty feet, but was increased after he learned the wonders of binoculars. Shugo approached his fathers apartment, and gave a quick glance to the number seven mailbox, which was actually filled to the brim with various yellow envelopes. Shugo stared at it for a few seconds and wondered how this was even slightly possible. He shrugged his shoulders and grabbed the envelopes, which only accumulated to only three envelopes, yet pretty heavy. He then faced the apartment again, and climbed the outside stairs to the third floor to room number seven.

Shugo sighed, _I thought seven was supposed to be lucky... I guess not in my case. _Shugo opened the door to a dinky little kitchen. Wrappers and other trash covered the floor. He approached the table in the center of the room and noticed a small yellow sticky note. It only read, 'Dinner in fridge.' Shugo turned to the fridge, which was wide open and empty. The neighbors must have stolen their food again... Shugo sighed and dropped the mail on the table. He was about to go to his room until he noticed the closet envelopes address. It read Rena. Shugo scooped it up quickly, and tore it open. He flipped it upside down and out tumbled out a CD and a piece of paper. He picked up the paper and read out loud,

Dear Shugo,

Sorry I haven't called you yet, but I thought why call when I could just send it to you and play immediately? I already set you up a avatar, whose name is Kite. Yes, I named him after the puppy we loved as kids. Again sorry me and mom took her, and oh yhea, she is dead. Sorry bro. All you have to do is install the program and grab the head set and enjoy! I will be on all day, so I better see you on bro!

Love, Rena 3

Shugo grabbed the Cd and ripped open the other envelope that contained the headset. He hugged the two items close to his chest and ran into his room. His room was basically a square. His bed was in the left corner while his computer was in the right hand corner. He tossed the items on the desk, and booted up his computer. The familiar windows 95 screen came up, and exited out of all those dang update screens, because we all know how evil those are. He opened up his DVD drive and shoved the disk in with great excitement. After waiting five minutes, the set up screen came up. The game was named, "The World." The world of what, that is what Shugo wanted to know. He hit install game only to get a, "WINDOWS ERROR, INSUFFICENT HARD DRIVE." message. Shugo sighed, he would have to delete some of his crap to continue. He went to his videos folder and deleted his 255 GB's of hentai and tried again. This time the game began its download. Shugo could barely contain his excitement... until he saw the ETA of completion was forty-eight days. Shugo couldn't believe that... He spun his chair around and stared at the wall for about five minutes until he heard a shrill beep. He spun back around to find his download was complete. _Computers are weird, _Shugo thought.

Shugo smiled and clicked the, "The World" icon, and a small menu popped up that said, "Welcome Kite!" And in the center of the screen was a massive button that said, "ENTER THE WORLD!" Shugo reached for his headset and plopped it over his head, making is whole world dark. He breathed in deeply awaiting what would happen next, he closed his eyes, and waited. When Shugo did indeed open his eyes... what he saw blew his poor mind.

Well, all he knew was that he wasn't in his room any more. He wasn't even in Kansas anymore, and he never was in their first place anyways. What he saw was a beaten stone path and a grassy field to both sides of him. About a half a mile ahead of him was what appeared to be a city that looked bustling, even at this distance. He took one step then noticed he looked completely different as well. His Clothes were now much baggier and a puke colored dark green. He had a snazzy hat on and his hair was longer now, and light blue. It sort of reminded him of some anime with a really low budget.

"Hey kid," Someone behind him said, "You're new right?" Shugo twirled around to find himself face to face with a tall, funny looking man. He wore a dark green shirt, and big blue boots that just looked silly. He had a long, orange, bowl hair cut.

"Um, who are you?" Asked Shugo, looking this new guy over.

He sighed and said, "My name is Orca, and I'm here to teach newbies, like you, how to play this game."

Shugo nodded and said, "My names Shugo, than..."

He was cut off by Orca who said, "Two things, maggot. Use your avatar's name, one more way to protect yourself. Second, I'm not here to make friends, this is my job, so let's go. Now."

Shu... Kite was a little taken back by this, but nodded and followed Orca. At this time, Kite finally noticed the huge blue disk behind him. Out side of the disk, two golden rims spun around it slowly.

"This is a warp gate. All you need to do is type three words into the virtual keyboard and you will be whisked away into a dungeon." Orca said as Kite walked up, and stared at the disk. Suddenly, a glowing green keyboard materialized in front of him.

"Any three words I want?" Kite asked looking at Orca. He nodded, and then Kite began to think. "BURSTING PASSED OVER AQUA FIELD!" Kite yelled and typed at the same time. Orca just shook his head. Being teleported was a strange feeling. It was like sliding down a water slide... while you're on acid. The amazing rush feeling, and then the crash, and that crash was waking up in a huge and completely empty field that was entirely lifeless. Kite couldn't explain how lifeless it was... kind of like Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting career... if his career was a completely empty and lifeless grass field.

"Wow... This freaking sucks." Kite said as he looked around.

"This," Orca said, also looking around, "Is what you get with a dumb name like that." Kite sighed and began to walk forward. Orca followed him.

After walking for about five minutes, Kite's stomach growled. "Man I'm hungry." he said, walking along, "Wait... am I hungry... or is it my avatar?"

Orca sighed once more and said, "The head set you are wearing sends many signals to your brain. It is probably just you that is hungry. Or maybe it is your avatar. Another example is pain. You'll feel it, but you won't be in any physical danger."

"How the _hell_ did this game get past those annoying soccer moms? Seriously," Kite said, as they began to approach a tower like settlement, "Everything needs to be butchered these days."

"Oh," Orca said, "Thats simple. You see..." Orca stopped as a red barrier suddenly surrounded them, "Random Battle!"

Three strange humanoid creatures suddenly burrowed themselves out of the ground. Their noses jutted from their faces, and had green skin, and even sharp teeth and claws.

"This is what makes this game popular," Orca said, "Fight these trolls, Kite, and show me your worth."

"Man," Kite said as the trolls began to approach him, "I know Internet trolls are ugly, but this is just ridiculous!" The three creatures began to approach him and Kite took a step back. _Alright, _Kite monologued, _time to prove my worth, time to kick some ass! _He clenched his hands into fists and charged the trolls.

"Hey, moron," Orca said, as Kite neared the monsters, "You know you have weapons, right?"

"Oh really?" Kite responded, kicking a troll in the face, "How can I use them?"

"You see, you must push the hot key, B to open your inventory, then you must select the weapons of your choice and double click to see active abilities of the weapon. You then can press hot key S to see the specs of the weapon. For example, strength, weight, and attributes. You then can select hot key C to see how the item looks on your character. This works for armor as well. Also you can permanently learn the abilities on your weapon for later use. Your trainee blades have the ability, "Staccato," which is a flurry of weak blade attacks which can prove useful for quick enemies. You can map these abilities to various hot keys for quick access. You can do this for potions and spells as well. Also you can dual wield the weapon by selecting the D hot key and then..."

"Oh my god just shut up." Kite demanded, standing above three mutilated corpses. "I'll just use my damn fists."

Orca stared at Kites bloody gloves and asked, "Did you just kill those trolls with your bare hands?"

Kite nodded his head, "Yep. They said things that would drive a normal person up the wall. They said things like how the band, 'Queen'(At this moment Pandora begins to play bohemian rhapsody. I fangasmed.) needs singing lessons from lady gaga and how Call of Duty is the best game this era and things like how fable 3 is better then Skyrim. I fucked those trolls up."

"Well... that's interesting. Anyways I was about to tell you just to push the optimize button to instantly to equip the strongest equipment you have. You should do that bro." Orca said as two silver blades suddenly appeared in Kites hands. Kites amusement was obvious when he saw the two new killing tools in his hands.

"Woot! Let's go kill things!" Kite yelled when suddenly he slammed into another person. She was cloaked in a white... cloak and white hair flowed like she was under water. Her face was delicate and beautiful and her large gray eyes dominated her face. She was floating about three feet above the ground.

Orca gasped and exclaimed, "Aura! What are you doing here? Oh... oh god... don't tell me HE'S the one!" The girl nodded. "I... I don't want to live anymore!"

Kite cocked his head to the side and wondered if they were talking about him. He looked up, bored with this conversation and noticed the sky had turned a dark gray, and red chains now encircled around them. "Um... guys..." Kite began but was interrupted by a sudden bright light and a loud cracking noise that sounded like a gun shot. When the light faded, a large monster appeared with green skin and four eyes. It's head was twisted in a awkward angle and fidgeted in strange ways. "Oh god! We have walked into Silent Hill!"

Orca smiled and drew his blade. "Let me show you my l33t skills." He rushed the beast and began to swing his sword wildly. Every time he struck the monster though, the word 'MISS' appeared. "WTF HAX BRO." He yelled as the beast thrusted its hand into his chest, and picked him up. It then roared in his face and tossed him to the side. Kite was never so scared in his life.

The girl looked scared and then grabbed Kite by the shoulders. "Take this." She said handing him a old tattered brown book. "You must go."

The beast roared again and began to approach them. "I'm not leaving you here. I'll fight it."

"You'll die." she said. "You'll _die._"

"Don't worry," he said, taking a step back from her hold, "I know he's fast, but I have Staccato which is good against fast enemies. He stands no chance."

Aura rolled her eyes and whispered, "Noob." Kite looked confused and was about to ask when suddenly the beast was upon him and grabbed him. In shock, he dropped his blades. The beast lifted him above and roared in his face. Kite peed a little.

"You can not die yet!" Aura yelled as she held out her hand and white light surrounded both Kite and the monster. Kite began to scream as they both began to rise into the sky into a giant white hole above them. Even the beast was surprised as they entered the portal. Kite figured all his pokemans fainted because he whited out...

When Kite awoke, he found himself back in the hub world lying in the outskirts of the bustling town with the old book next to him. He began to dust himself off, when he noticed his clothes changed into a deep orange instead of the puke green. "Damn, now I'm Naruto." He sighed as he picked up the book and stared at the faded cover. He opened the book to find all the pages completely blank. He sighed as he put the item in his inventory. _Well at least I can carry lots of crap. Kind of like Metroid... Where does Metroid keep all of his missiles anyways?_

Kite looked around and wondered where he would find Rena. He took one step when suddenly a hand landed on hi shoulder. "Yo bro. How did you change the color of your outfit?" He flipped around to see his twin sisters avatar... which was just uncomfortably too sexy. Her skin was a deep tan and her short light pink hair reached her nose. Her breast plate was also pink and gold, while showing a generous amount of tanned midriff with yellow warpaint that led her white sash around her waist.

"Rena? Does mom know what you're wearing?" he said, looking at her avatar in all the wrong ways.

"Oh, she is the one who designed my character model." Rena said then added, "Bro, I'm not your sister. We are _Role playing_.My name is Black Rose and we are not related."

"Soooo... I can look at your avatar however I want?" Kite said smiling.

Rena... I mean Black Rose sighed, "As long as you don't mind me kicking your ass. I see you must of passed the tutorial with Orca... hey where is he?"

"Oh," Kite said, "He's dead."

Rena's eyes widened, "What? He's a Administrator! How is this possible?"

"That wasn't part of the tutorial?" Asked Kite as Black Rose shook her head, "We should tell someone!" She replied.

"Why? He'll just come back." Kite said, smiling.

"Yhea..." Black Rose said, "It was probably just his alt or something."

Kite yawned then asked, "So are you going to show me around and kill things? Cuz' I wanna go kill things." Black rose smiled and nodded.

"If we take a left here we will enter a large field meant for noobs like you. I'm not one because this is my alt. I wanted to level up with you." Black rose said as Kite stared at the path.

"I get called that quite a bit, care to tell me what it means?" Kite asked as they began to travel down the road.

"It means... oh we're here." Black Rose began as they stood in front of a giant blue ring. "This will lead us to noob field. Are you ready Kite?"

"Ready for anything!" yelled Kite as he ran into the portal followed by Black Rose. He was indeed ready for anything... but the long loading time he faced. He stared at the tip at the bottom of the screen that stated, PROTIP: Don't Die.

When the loading screen finally vanished, he was in a large grassy field that put the other area he was in to shame. Other players were running around in the background fighting beasts and doing quests. Kite looked at the closest enemies that he could see. More annoying trolls and some dog like creatures, all walking around aimlessly, doing what monsters do. Kite looked harder and found in the West a large armored like creature.

"Alright Kite, We'll start small, do some quests and then go into the dungeon north of here. Like in level 5, alright? Kite? Kite...?" Black Rose looked around and found Kite running in the distance towards a heavily armored level 40 golem. "What is that doing here... KITE NO!" Black Rose began to chase him, but stopped when Kite looked up at the beast. It was about fifteen feet high and was shaped like a large egg. It had huge arms and looked incredibly dangerous. It seemed like it didn't notice them yet.

"Alright Kite," Black Rose said quietly, trying not to disturb the beast, "Just back away slowly and quietly now, okay?" Kite turned to face her when suddenly large red letters above Black Rose appeared that spelled out the word, 'AGGRO' "FUUUUU..." She began as the beast turned around to face the players.

"I'm not scared of you!" Kite yelled as he pointed at the golem. He then opened up his inventory screen to pull out his daggers, but noticed they were gone. He must have left them at the place he was before. "Okay... now I am."

The beast brought back its arm, ready to strike Black Rose, Kite noticed this and jumped infront of his sister. He held out his arms and yelled, "COME AT ME BRO!" The monster's fist went right through Kite entirely, spraying pixilated blood everywhere. Black Rose stared at the fist that was through her brother and then at the beast.

"Sh... Shugo?" She asked looking at him.

Kite slowly turned his head around ant looked at her with wide eyes. "H... He ca... me at me... sis." He then coughed up some more blood, and then his corpse was thrown to the side, like a useless doll. He thought he heard Rena's voice again, but he wasn't sure.

**10001001110010010111001010/PLAYER:/KITE/IS/DEAD/****10001001110010010111001010**

Shugo wasn't sure what he felt anymore. It was like he was punched in the stomach, but he tolerated pain pretty well. He doesn't even flinch anymore when he rips off band-aids. That is resilience right there, yet dying just felt like he was tired... and wanted to take a nap. In a sense he kind of did. Shugo wondered what now, his screen was just entirely dark. It sort of felt like he was floating in space. He then wondered if this game had a heaven, and if it did, was there such thing as a gaming god? Now Shugo felt even more pathetic pondering these things while he was in the game. _Thats it,_ he thought to himself in this limbo, _I'm done. This is why I quit on these dumb games. I'm just going to quit now. _Shugo pressed the escape button to leave the game, but no options appeared. Was the game bugged? He then tried to bring up task manager, nothing. _This is ridiculous! I'm done. _He then tried to yank his headset off, but it seemed he couldn't find the head set. All he could feel was his hair._ The hell is happening?_

Suddenly the darkness quickly faded away, and he was surrounded by a world of blue. Every where he looked was blue. "Hello!" Kite yelled in the distance, but he got no answer. He took a step when Aura appeared before him. Kite jumped back in shock, and Aura floated towards him. "A... Aura?"

"You died, didn't you?" She asked, staring at him with her large gray eyes.

"... Yhea sorry, I'm still kinda new" Kite answered staring back into those eyes.

She sighed and said, "Hold out your hand please."

Kite smiled, "Yay! Free crap!" and held out his hand for her. She put both her small delicate hands on his left wrist and began to whisper somethings. A bright light soon erupted, forcing Kite to close his eyes. When he reopened them, he found himself back at the field, facing the beast.

"Shugo!" Black Rose yelled from behind him, "Wha... how?" The golem brought back its hand again, about to deliver another fatal blow.

"Aura you bitch!" Kite growled when suddenly another bright light erupted, and when it died down, the golem was gone. Both Kite and Black Rose stood staring at were the golem stood, amazed.

"Wh... What the hell did you do?" Black Rose asked, staring at Kite, who shrugged his shoulders. She sighed then noticed a huge golden bracelet on his left wrist. "And what is that?"

Shugo felt it wasn't the right time to tell her about Aura yet, so he just said, "My... bling?"

Black rose sighed and shook her head. "Whatever, it doesn't matter I suppose. We should just head back and buy you new daggers."

Kite nodded and let Black Rose lead the way. Kite wasn't sure what happened to Orca or Aura and he pretty sure this wasn't part of the game. Whatever was happening though was going to lead to something great, this Shugo was sure of. He smiled happily when Rena turned around and asked him what he thought about the game, and answered he needed to see more of it. Soon he was going to go on a real adventure, with his sister and maybe others. An adventure he could never dream of. Soon, he will become a real hero, a true dot hacker!

**Meh thats the first chapter. I sort of mixed the manga and the game... cool. Soon maybe even the anime... I doubt it. Well thanks for reading. Tell me what you think and thanks again.**


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